Monthly Archives: October 2012
So my peer mentor/life coach/ guiding me though life church person has encouraged me to start a journal. Herein lies the problem; I had journals. Journals sucks. Mine tend to be tear stained and about ten pages long before I get bored and start doing other stuff again. However, my only consistent form of communication seems to be writing my email reports of life and shuffling them into your inbox. So, to appease the gods of writing and self expression, I’m posting our letters. I know when I jokingly told you this earlier tonight you laughed and said “I’m so honored.” Enjoy your brief celebrity now asshole, because pretty soon people are going to be chanting your name. You know, the name you hate more than anything on the planet except maybe your middle name? Don’t worry, that’s sworn to secrecy.
So I figured it out. My cat, River, just attempted to knock over my framed list of “What I want in a Man.” You know what I’m talking about; that somewhat rambly set of bullet points explaining what I’m looking for in the opposite sex.
I realized something! It’s not that cats are scary to the opposite sex right out; it’s that they slowly but surely convince women with their feline wiles that men are not important. They leave small poop bombs in their boxes when a man comes over. Cats force the man out of the house with their cat box raids, then cuddle with you. Their adorableness slowly convinces you that you need more cats, replacing your need for love and affection with their furriness. Soon, you have a house full of cats, all acting as sentries to prevent men from entering your home…smart beasts. They protect their food source, all the while waiting for it to ripen and then expire so they may consume to their heart’s content.
I felt like you’d be the only one who thought that was funny. Was tempted to post it on Facebook, but feared my family would read it as a cry for help…and as River is watching me now with that murderous look in her cat eyes, I think it would not be wise…
Call the Meowthorities…